Let’s play out a simple scenario between a guy and a girl:
A boy and a girl spend time together. They get to know each other, they make each other laugh, and they understand one another very well. As time goes by, the boy wants to take things to the next level. He wants to hold the girl’s hand, kiss her, and maybe explore some of her lady bits in a consensual, loving manner.
“I’m sorry Dan, I just don’t have those feelings for you,” Jen says, gently letting down her platonic male companion. “But I like hanging out with you as a friend.”
“Oh, OK,” Dan dejectedly replies. While this might be his only verbal reaction, Dan’s brain could be processing many other thoughts, so let’s think about what some of those thoughts might be. I’ve narrowed it down to two major schools: respect and entitlement.
In the first category, Dan feels hurt that Jen doesn’t have the same feelings he does, but understands that she is a human above all else and has the right to choose who her romantic partners are. Although he is sad she doesn’t feel romantically towards him, he still wants to be friends.
Pretty simple, right? And seems like the way it should be. Now here’s the second one, where Dan feels like he has been slighted by the girl:
“I don’t understand,” Dan thinks to himself. “I’m a nice guy! She should want to date me, I’ve done everything that guys are supposed to do.”
This is where the “nice guy” stigma loses all meaning, because Dan here seems to think that acts of generosity and being courteous, i.e. basic human decency, should be rewarded. And if that were the case, I suppose every girl should just lie down and spread her legs for every man who holds a door for her. Yes Dan, you did well when you kept her warm with your sweatshirt, and you did well when you gave her a shoulder to cry on when one of her friends said something mean behind her back, and you absolutely did well when you got her home safely and left a glass of water by her bed because she got so blitzed she couldn’t even say her name. But are these not things a good friend should be doing anyway?
Just because you’re a guy and you’re doing nice things doesn’t mean you get a cookie or a free trip to the sack. So if you think that’s the reason you should be a “nice guy”, then you’re not really a “nice guy”, you’re just an asshole, like all the other “assholes” she dates for reasons you simply can’t comprehend.
my pet peeve is when someone ignores you
like if we have a problem then let’s fucking address it